Im finally done

I have decided, although it was very difficult, that I am done dealing with the addict in my life. I can’t worry about someone elses sobriety and keep mine at the same time. I refuse to throw almost 5 months down the drain. I refuse to subject my children to this anymore. I don’t care how much it hurts me, I won’t watch it hurt them anymore. Its sad and its 6 years finally ending but it is whats best for my little family. And for me.

For 5 years I have been dealing with the mental abuse. I don’t wish it upon anyone and I hope if someone reading this is going through it, you know that you don’t have to either. No one should have to endure being called names, or being put down. I am worth more than that. It has taken me a long to time to figure that out but I know it now. I have people that love me and support me and that also took time to realize. I do not want my girls to think its ok to be treated like this. What kind of message has all this been sending when it got so bad I couldn’t shelter them from it anymore? I have alot of guilt when it comes to that, and I shouldn’t.

I have guilt for continuing to give chances and pulling my kids back and forth around their dad. it’s not right to do that to them. So my next step is going to court I guess and making sure I have full custody and he can’t see them if he is high. I need to request that the court drug test him and have supervised visitation. Am I wrong for that? I don’t think so

PTSD kinda night

So my child’s father showed up last night to one of my meetings. Not only was he angry as hell but he was HIGH! Not okay! I tried telling him to leave but instead he stated yelling at me and damn near hit me. luckily there were many people there willing to help me. He threatened to slash my tires so we moved my car to a better lit area. When doing so he kicked my door twice leaving a dent in it. Scared the shit out of me. He left after that but the cops were still called.

I love the people so much that were there for me last night. They were quick to jump in when I was in trouble and show me how the fellowship really works. Although I was very shaken up and still am, I did not use or smoke a cigarette so I’m super proud of myself and the way I handled it.

I had a rough night even after getting home though. Nightmares, flash backs, paranoia. No fun at all and im exhausted now. I need to go file a restraining order. Thats the only way this is going to stop I know it. But in the mean time, how do I help myself?

Addiction+Love=Disaster

It’s really hard when 2 addicts love each other and try to be together. Normally one relapses and causes the other to relapse as well and the cycle continues. BUT not in my story.

The man I love is addicted to Meth. He is also addicted to opioids. I myself am addicted to opioids. He has relapsed more times then I can count and is currently in a relapse. When he relapses he gets paranoid. which causes him to question me and my every move. Which causes a huge fight and him accusing me of doing everything under the sun. Including cheating on him and bugging his phone.

We were doing really well for a couple of weeks. no fighting. getting along. spending time together. enjoying each other and our kids. And then BAM!!! The cycle starts. But I refuse to relapse. I am almost 5 months clean. I also am cigarette free for 4 days. I am so proud of myself and my family. I have started to fix my life. I am a better mother, I spend time with my girls and don’t isolate myself any more. I am more patient. I am less stressed. I love being sober. I love the program and I have made some amazing friends. Why would I throw that all away? I won’t and that’s the point. I will not use no matter what!!!!

I just wish he felt the same way. I want my family back so bad it kills me and my kids want their father back.

Frusterated

So my Boy friend is also the father of my 5-year-old. He is also an addict. we have been together off and on for 6 years. I love him more than anything on this earth and we have been through so much. BUT…… we have an unhealthy cycle. It starts with something making him questioning me, him not believing my answer, continuing to question and accuse me, and then its a full-blown fight.

Last night it was so stupid, and I admit I over reacted. I called him and apologized for yelling and getting upset. But at the same time he should have stopped questioning me after he got an answer. regardless i still said sorry and thought things would be ok from there. Well they weren’t.

As I posted before, i lost my phone. I have been waiting almost a week not for the replace ment. so im using other people’s phones in the mean time to make phone calls. well everyone went to sleep and I couldn’t call my boyfriend back before bed.I ended up going to sleep around 10pm. I was up at 5am to these messages and missed calls on my Facebook accusing me of cheating now. Like seriously? WTF? Here we go again with this cycle. Is he just being controlling or did he relapse? I honestly don’t know but I know that I will not stand for this behavior any longer. I don’t deserve it. So either he needs to change or he needs to hit the pavement.

I cant sleep

I took all my meds hours ago, yet here I am wide awake. This is bullshit because I am exhausted. I want to sleep, I just cant. I broke down and had a cigarette. So I am pissed off at myself now because I was doing so well. It tasted like crap though so I think I will be alright tomorrow. The vape pen is so much better. and Doesnt give me a headache. Good to know right?

my therapist wanted me to write about what the point of this blog was. Well I am  gonna put it out there and if you guys that are reading this want to read any soecific topic please let me know in the comments.

Basically I am writing this bog to show single moms they aren’t alone. To share my experience as someone with a chronic illness and how I deal with day to day life off of pain medication. I want people to feel like they have someone experiencing something similar and they are not alone in the world. I would also like to maybe make new friends that live similar lives. Topics I will most likely touch on are, things I go through as a single mom of 3 kids with illnesses, mental illness, physical illness, chronic pain, insomnia, love, friendships, addiction and recovery, and family. Sometimes I will share my poetry or a short story. Sometimes I will just bitch and complain.

So there ya have it. I am going to paint my nails as they look like shit hahaha. I hope to hear from you all and I hope everyone gets a good night sleep. Hugs and love to all

Day one of no smoking

Holy shit this is hard!!!

So what made me decide to quit? Well a few things. One its another addiction. Two Jerzi was diagnosed with asthma yesterday. And three I just cant afford it.

So I have the nicotine patch, I have my vape and I am going head strong against this. I have been clean 4 months and 18 days from prescription pain meds. So now I will add cigarettes to that. I know I can do it. Especially because I am not just doing it for me but for my childrens health as well. It scared the crap out of me when Jerzi failed the breathing test at the doctors office yesterday. So I’m going to try to get as healthy as I can get with out hurting myself.

If anyone has any suggestions on how they quit or how to curb the cravings please let me know in the comments

Joys of mommyhood

So at 130am Harli my 5 yr old, woke me up covered in vomit. Great huh? So after cleaning her up and getting her motrin and back to bed. I was now awake all night.its now 835am and the baby is about to be up and I’m exhausted!

But I wouldn’t change being a mommy for anything in the world. No matter how disgusting it is haha. Good morning everyone! I hope you all have a wonderful day!

I’m back

Its been a long time since I have posted anything. So since my therapist suggested I get back to writing I figured why not do it here so others that relate won’t feel so alone. 

I recently spent 6 days in the psych ward (no I’m not crazy….well maybe a little) due to not sleeping for 5 days and basically having a breakdown. My meds were adjusted and I’m feeling much better but I am still having anxiety issues. But I’m working on it.

I have 4 months 13 days sober today. So no pain meds. I use medical marijuana instead. And I have to tell you I feel like a completely different person. I’m not lying in bed all day or yelling at the kids to leave me alone. I love going to meetings. I feel so loved and like I finally belong somewhere. Maybe that’s odd, I dont know. But it works for me and I hope I continue on this path of recovery. My mom is also sober and I’m extremely proud of her. Its making our relationship stronger and we really haven’t fought, which is very odd for us lol. 

I will write more soon but in the mean time please feel free to comment or leave any advice on how you handle anxiety. Much love to you all!

Day 1 of my writing challenge…..

Sorry I have been MIA for a few days. I have been feeling pretty shitty. I am still in that “I feel like crap mode” but I figured since I have had no energy or motivation to write I am going to do a 30 day blog challenge so I will force myself to every day. So here goes with day 1.

Topic: 5 problems with social media

My number one problem is you don’t know exactly who you are talking to unless you have met that person. You can be anyone on the internet, use any picture, any story you come up with etc.

Number 2. Once you put something on the internet it is permanently there even if you think you removed it.

Number 3. Bullying. You can;t control what people write about you or say to you. And everyone can see it. I personally have dealt with this lately. I lost alot of friends, alot of respect, and have had such hateful things said to me because bullying started on facebook over someone who didn’t like me. There really is no recovering from it once the damage is done. Even completely removing yourself from social media doesn’t really helo as you still have to deal with your own thoughts and the people outside the internet that are in your person life that it effected.

Number 4. People act like they want to know you and be your friend. But in reality they are mean, heartless peole and just want to hurt random people for the hell of it.

Number 5. Information isn’t always true. You may think what you are given from other people who have been through the same thing is accurate, and it may not be. You may not be able to find out what is real or not and it makes it hard. So you have to trust your own instincts and do your own research, don’t believe everything you read on social media.

So what are your biggest problems with social media? Please let me know in the comments. I will see ya’ll tomorrow for day 2

All my love

…….on a bad day

So last night I didn’t sleep well, due to coughing and pain. Plus being very uncomfortable pregnant. So I knew today would be a bad day.

Woke up at 8:30am to my kids driving me nuts…… being loud and obnoxious as usual. I took all my meds and went back to sleep.

Of course the weather was shit today, rain, thunder, lightening and a TON of humidity. Making it impossible to move. All my joints feel swollen. My muscles hurt. My head feels like it is going to explode from the presure and my eyes hurt to even keep them open. My right hip dislocated in my sleep and I think I got it back in but not the right way or  I tore something, Im not sure. But it hurts like hell!

The z-pack the OB gave me doesnt seem to be doing anything and this cough seems to be getting worse. I got tylonal cough and cold since that seems to be the only over the counter stuff I am allowed to take. I don’t know what the hell I have but between my body trying to kill me, this sickness, and being pregnant I feel like I am going to die.

I ended up going back to sleep around 4ish and woke up at 7. Fed the kids. Got them ready for bed, and of course one sleeps no problem the other is wide awake. Can’t get her to be quiet for 2 mins. Ugh and everything, I mean everything, is getting on my nerves.

I am in soooo much pain, I just want to sleep, and I just want to feel good. But I am sure none of that is going to happen tonight. Hopefully between the cold meds and vicks I can keep the cough under control which is making me hurt worse every time.

Hopes for a better day tomorrow. Sorry for being so negative today.

All my love