I have been through a lot in my life. I have lost a lot of people in my life for many reasons. My dad left when I was 2. I lost my best friend to a car accident at 7. When I had brain surgery at 14, I lost everyone but 3 people. it didn’t make sense to me at the time because I was popular, a cheerleader, and I thought I had lots of friends. Those three close friends stuck by me throughout high school and I made other friends as well. Yet when I had Jerzi at 20 years old, those three friends went down to two. I did make an amazing friend through Jerzis father that has stuck by my side though. So you win one and you lose one. When I went to beauty school I felt so blessed because the people there were amazing. Yet after graduation, they disappeared too. When I met Harlis dad, bad things happened and I ended up being in an abusive and controlling relationship and was forced to shut out my friends and family. Luckily after leaving and restarting my life with my two girls one friend of 16 years stuck around, and the friend I made when pregnant with Jerzi was there for me like no other. I started losing my relationship with my mother because she was so brain washed by her husband. That household and relationship became toxic. I got really sick in October 2013, and the abuse got worse. so I definitely feel that even though she was there physically, my mom abandoned me too. I got back together with an ex boyfriend from forever ago and moved to Reno to get away from all the drama, negativity and abuse. That man, not only got me pregnant (which I am very blessed for) but he used me for all of my disability money, was not the nicest to my kids, and was cheating on me in front of my face. He even told me to kill myself and my unborn baby. So again another person left me.
What hurts the most out of every one I lost, was my ex best friend Alexa. we were friends for 17 years. She was the god mother to my children, We did everything together. Had no secrets, I was there for her when she started getting sick even though I was dying. One day she just out of no where, stopped talking to me. Wouldnt answer phone calls, texts, emails. I even went as far as contacting Her father and husband because I was worried something had happened to her. After a month she finally text me telling me that Im a toxic person and I can’t be in her life any more. I am still very confused about all that. The crazy thing is, she was diagnosed with Chiari Malformation 3 days before out conversations stopped. You would think that would have made us even closer as I have lived my whole life with it.
At the end of the day, I have one person I know I can truly say she will never walk away. Alexandra Kawwa, is the best person I have ever met. She truly is my sister. She has the biggest heart, so caring, generous, selfless, and would give the shirt off her back to any one even if it was the only thing she owned. she is a great mother to her kids and a wonderful wife. I couldn’t ask for more in a best friend. I miss her terribly as she moved to North Dakota. The ironic thing is she started to get sick too a while back, and her symptoms were just like mine. Sure enough, she has Chiari as well. Its crazy, and I hate she has to suffer from this terrible disease, but it has brought us closer.
I have a HUGE Chiari and support system online. A few people I have become extremely close to a few people, and I don’t know what I would do without them, especially on bad days. I also have an amazing therapist that I have seen now for 2 years and a BST worker that i can’t live with out. if It wasn’t for her I would have commited suicide when I was at my lowest. But she was there every step of the way.
My point of this post, was that although people have walked out of my life and it hurt at the time and still does with some, I am still blessed with the people I do have in my life. I couldn’t ask for more.
If you have dealt with abandonment, or are feeling alone, reach out to the ones who are there for you. Any one reading this can reach out to me to talk through comments, fabebook, or email……… Kust remember YOU ARE NOT Alone!!]]
All my love,