Im finally done

I have decided, although it was very difficult, that I am done dealing with the addict in my life. I can’t worry about someone elses sobriety and keep mine at the same time. I refuse to throw almost 5 months down the drain. I refuse to subject my children to this anymore. I don’t care how much it hurts me, I won’t watch it hurt them anymore. Its sad and its 6 years finally ending but it is whats best for my little family. And for me.

For 5 years I have been dealing with the mental abuse. I don’t wish it upon anyone and I hope if someone reading this is going through it, you know that you don’t have to either. No one should have to endure being called names, or being put down. I am worth more than that. It has taken me a long to time to figure that out but I know it now. I have people that love me and support me and that also took time to realize. I do not want my girls to think its ok to be treated like this. What kind of message has all this been sending when it got so bad I couldn’t shelter them from it anymore? I have alot of guilt when it comes to that, and I shouldn’t.

I have guilt for continuing to give chances and pulling my kids back and forth around their dad. it’s not right to do that to them. So my next step is going to court I guess and making sure I have full custody and he can’t see them if he is high. I need to request that the court drug test him and have supervised visitation. Am I wrong for that? I don’t think so

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Addiction+Love=Disaster

It’s really hard when 2 addicts love each other and try to be together. Normally one relapses and causes the other to relapse as well and the cycle continues. BUT not in my story.

The man I love is addicted to Meth. He is also addicted to opioids. I myself am addicted to opioids. He has relapsed more times then I can count and is currently in a relapse. When he relapses he gets paranoid. which causes him to question me and my every move. Which causes a huge fight and him accusing me of doing everything under the sun. Including cheating on him and bugging his phone.

We were doing really well for a couple of weeks. no fighting. getting along. spending time together. enjoying each other and our kids. And then BAM!!! The cycle starts. But I refuse to relapse. I am almost 5 months clean. I also am cigarette free for 4 days. I am so proud of myself and my family. I have started to fix my life. I am a better mother, I spend time with my girls and don’t isolate myself any more. I am more patient. I am less stressed. I love being sober. I love the program and I have made some amazing friends. Why would I throw that all away? I won’t and that’s the point. I will not use no matter what!!!!

I just wish he felt the same way. I want my family back so bad it kills me and my kids want their father back.

Frusterated

So my Boy friend is also the father of my 5-year-old. He is also an addict. we have been together off and on for 6 years. I love him more than anything on this earth and we have been through so much. BUT…… we have an unhealthy cycle. It starts with something making him questioning me, him not believing my answer, continuing to question and accuse me, and then its a full-blown fight.

Last night it was so stupid, and I admit I over reacted. I called him and apologized for yelling and getting upset. But at the same time he should have stopped questioning me after he got an answer. regardless i still said sorry and thought things would be ok from there. Well they weren’t.

As I posted before, i lost my phone. I have been waiting almost a week not for the replace ment. so im using other people’s phones in the mean time to make phone calls. well everyone went to sleep and I couldn’t call my boyfriend back before bed.I ended up going to sleep around 10pm. I was up at 5am to these messages and missed calls on my Facebook accusing me of cheating now. Like seriously? WTF? Here we go again with this cycle. Is he just being controlling or did he relapse? I honestly don’t know but I know that I will not stand for this behavior any longer. I don’t deserve it. So either he needs to change or he needs to hit the pavement.

Getting Jerzi ready for school

Why is this so hard for me? Its not that shes growing up or Im losing my baby like most moms. For me it is the anxiety of registration, which went horribly wrong today. Getting school supplies. Buying school clothes but staying in dress code and also making sure it is something that Jerzi won’t fight me to put on every day. Its making sure she is on the right bus and gets home safely (the transportation system lost her 3 times last year). Its the stress of knowing that she will be gone 8 hours and my little helper won’t be here with me. Does any one else have anxiety like this with their child? I worry that I have to have that conversation with her teacher and school nurse about her illnesses (mental and physical) will they understand? Will they listen? Will they blow her off when she says her legs hurt and she can’t do what they want her to do in PE. Or her allergies act up and she can’t go out during recess. Will the school help this year when it comes to field trips and money needed for her to participate in things when I can’t afford them? Most parents don’t understand how hard it is to be a low income single mom disabled with 2 children that have their own illnesses and I try to balance it all and be there and involoved as much as possible. What is even worse is when she comes home with that sheet of homework, that I am supposed to her help her get done, and with my brain issues and memory loss, I can’t comprehend the directions to help her. She is so smart and I am extremely thankful because she is reteaching me. I am so proud of my little girl and I know she will ROCK the second grade, but its MOMMY that needs the help and support. My baby girl has got this and has it all under control……. Breathe mom, count to ten, and trust that everything will be ok.

Any advice or words of encouragement are very welcomes. Even your own experiences and fears.

Depression and Anxiety : Natural foods to help

I was given this topic by my therapist, and I’m assuming it was because I’m 5 months pregnant and can’t really take much to help my depression and anxiety so I am doing some research on foods we can eat to help…… not so sure they would work as I’m not quite convinced but if you have some that you have tried that are not listed here please feel free to add them in the comments. So here goes.

Foods that fight depression:

1. Dark Leafy Greens

If you were to choose the healthiest food of all, the most nutrient-dense item available to us to eat, it would be dark, leafy greens, no contest. Spinach. Kale. Swiss chard.  (So eat more salad haha)

2. Walnuts

Walnuts are one of the richest plant-based sources of omega-3 fatty acids, and numerous studies have demonstrated how omega-3 fatty acids support brain function and reduce depression symptoms ( I guess carry walnuts in your purse and a nut cracker for when your are feeling depressed)

3. Avocado

 Three-fourths of theCALORIES of an avocado are from fat, mostly monosaturated fat, in the form of oleic acid. An average avocado also contains 4 grams of protein, higher than other fruits, and is filled with vitamin K, different kinds of vitamin B (B-9, B-6, and B-5), vitamin C, and vitamin E-12. Finally, they are low in sugar and high in dietary fiber, containing about 11 grams each. (I love avacado and eat it often but I still don’t see how protein and fat is good for depression)

4. Berries

Blueberries, raspberries, strawberries, and blackberries are some of the highest antioxident foods available to us. They are like DNA repairmen. They go around fixing your cells and preventing them from getting cancer and other illnesses.

5. Mushrooms

Here are two good reasons mushrooms are good for your mental health. First, their chemical properties oppose insulin, which helps lower blood sugar levels, evening out your mood. They also are like a probiotic in that they promote healthy gut bacteria. And since the nerve cells in our gut manufacture 80 percent to 90 percent of our body’s serotonin the critical neurotransmitter that keeps us sane — we can’t afford to not pay attention to our intestinal health. (The first food that i actually found an explanation how it could help……note to self: eat more mushrooms.)

6. Onions

You won’t find this item on most lists of mood foods. However, it’s included in Fuhrman’s G-BOMBS because onions and all allium vegetables (garlic, leeks, chives, shallots, and spring onions) have been associated with a decreased risk of several cancers. (Why does every website I have been to about foods for depression, lead back to the answer always being to help cancer……aren’t we trying to help depression here?)

7. Tomatoes

Tomatoes contain lots of folic acid and alpha-lipoic acid, both of which are good for fighting depression. According to research published in the Journal of Psychiatry and Neuroscience, many studies show an elevated incidence of folate deficiency in patients with depression. In most of the studies, about one-third of depression patients were deficient in folate. Folic acid can prevent an excess of homocysteine — which restricts the production of important neurotransmitters like serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine — from forming in the body. ( Ok Eat more tomatoes…. GOT IT!)

8. Beans

“Beans, beans, good for the heart. The more you eat, the more you … smile.” They make the G-BOMB list because they can act as anti-diabetes. They are good for mood because the body digests them slowly, which stabilizes blood sugar levels. Any food that assists in evening out blood sugar levels is  your friend. (Or so I keep reading)

9. Seeds

Flaxseeds, hemp seeds, and chia seeds are especially good for your mood because they are rich in omega-3 fatty acids. (Do normal people actually eat these because I sure don’t….. When depressed I reach for that donut not seeds)

10. Apples

An apple a day could — if eaten with the rest of these foods — keep the psychiatrist away, at least for stretches of time. Like berries, apples are high in antioxidants, which can help to prevent and repair oxidation damage and inflammation on the cellular level. They are also full of soluble fiber, which balances blood sugar swings.

Ok so what I have gathered from this list of foods, is if you keep your blood sugar at a normal level and your protein then you will be able to fight your depression. I don’t know if I believe this but hey…. I will give it a try and eat some of these every day and see how it goes. Personally I think its a bunch of BS. haha Sorry but thats how I feel. Feel free to comment on what helps with your depression and anxiety (it doesn’t have to be food) I hope every one has a great day.

Abandonment to Support

I have been through a lot in my life. I have lost a lot of people in my life for many reasons. My dad left when I was 2. I lost my best friend to a car accident at 7. When I had brain surgery at 14, I lost everyone but 3 people. it didn’t make sense to me at the time because I was popular, a cheerleader, and I thought I had lots of friends. Those three close friends stuck by me throughout high school and I made other friends as well. Yet when I had Jerzi at 20 years old, those three friends went down to two. I did make an amazing friend through Jerzis father that has stuck by my side though. So you win one and you lose one. When I went to beauty school I felt so blessed because the people there were amazing. Yet after graduation, they disappeared too. When I met Harlis dad, bad things happened and I ended up being in an abusive and controlling relationship and was forced to shut out my friends and family. Luckily after leaving and restarting my life with my two girls one friend of 16 years stuck around, and the friend I made when pregnant with Jerzi  was there for me like no other. I started losing my relationship with my mother because she was so brain washed by her husband. That household and relationship became toxic. I got really sick in October 2013, and the abuse got worse. so I definitely feel that even though she was there physically, my mom abandoned me too. I got back together with an ex boyfriend from forever ago and moved to Reno to get away from all the drama, negativity and abuse. That man, not only got me pregnant (which I am very blessed for) but he used me for all of my disability money, was not the nicest to my kids, and was cheating on me in front of my face. He even told me to kill myself and my unborn baby. So again another person left me.

What hurts the most out of every one I lost, was my ex best friend Alexa. we were friends for 17 years. She was the god mother to my children, We did everything together. Had no secrets, I was there for her when she started getting sick even though I was dying. One day she just out of no where, stopped talking to me. Wouldnt answer phone calls, texts, emails. I even went as far as contacting  Her father and husband because I was worried something had happened to her. After a month she finally text me telling me that Im a toxic person and I can’t be in her life any more. I am still very confused about all that. The crazy thing is, she was diagnosed with Chiari Malformation 3 days before out conversations stopped. You would think that would have made us even closer as I have lived my whole life with it.

At the end of the day, I have one person I know I can truly say she will never walk away. Alexandra Kawwa, is the best person I have ever met. She truly is my sister. She has the biggest heart, so caring, generous, selfless, and would give the shirt off her back to any one even if it was the only thing she owned. she is a great mother to her kids and a wonderful wife. I couldn’t ask for more in a best friend. I miss her terribly as she moved to North Dakota. The ironic thing is she started to get sick too a while back, and her symptoms were just like mine. Sure enough, she has Chiari as well. Its crazy, and I hate  she has to suffer from this terrible disease, but it has brought us closer.

I have a HUGE Chiari and support system online. A few people I have become extremely close to a few people, and I don’t know what I would do without them, especially on bad days. I also have an amazing therapist that I have seen now for 2 years and a BST worker that i can’t live with out. if It wasn’t for her I would have commited suicide when I was at my lowest. But she was there every step of the way.

My point of this post, was that although people have walked out of my life and it hurt at the time and still does with some, I am still blessed with the people I do have in my life. I couldn’t ask for more.

If you have dealt with abandonment, or are feeling alone, reach out to the ones who are there for you. Any one reading this can reach out to me to talk through comments, fabebook, or email……… Kust remember YOU ARE NOT Alone!!]]

All my love,