Im finally done

I have decided, although it was very difficult, that I am done dealing with the addict in my life. I can’t worry about someone elses sobriety and keep mine at the same time. I refuse to throw almost 5 months down the drain. I refuse to subject my children to this anymore. I don’t care how much it hurts me, I won’t watch it hurt them anymore. Its sad and its 6 years finally ending but it is whats best for my little family. And for me.

For 5 years I have been dealing with the mental abuse. I don’t wish it upon anyone and I hope if someone reading this is going through it, you know that you don’t have to either. No one should have to endure being called names, or being put down. I am worth more than that. It has taken me a long to time to figure that out but I know it now. I have people that love me and support me and that also took time to realize. I do not want my girls to think its ok to be treated like this. What kind of message has all this been sending when it got so bad I couldn’t shelter them from it anymore? I have alot of guilt when it comes to that, and I shouldn’t.

I have guilt for continuing to give chances and pulling my kids back and forth around their dad. it’s not right to do that to them. So my next step is going to court I guess and making sure I have full custody and he can’t see them if he is high. I need to request that the court drug test him and have supervised visitation. Am I wrong for that? I don’t think so

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Addiction+Love=Disaster

It’s really hard when 2 addicts love each other and try to be together. Normally one relapses and causes the other to relapse as well and the cycle continues. BUT not in my story.

The man I love is addicted to Meth. He is also addicted to opioids. I myself am addicted to opioids. He has relapsed more times then I can count and is currently in a relapse. When he relapses he gets paranoid. which causes him to question me and my every move. Which causes a huge fight and him accusing me of doing everything under the sun. Including cheating on him and bugging his phone.

We were doing really well for a couple of weeks. no fighting. getting along. spending time together. enjoying each other and our kids. And then BAM!!! The cycle starts. But I refuse to relapse. I am almost 5 months clean. I also am cigarette free for 4 days. I am so proud of myself and my family. I have started to fix my life. I am a better mother, I spend time with my girls and don’t isolate myself any more. I am more patient. I am less stressed. I love being sober. I love the program and I have made some amazing friends. Why would I throw that all away? I won’t and that’s the point. I will not use no matter what!!!!

I just wish he felt the same way. I want my family back so bad it kills me and my kids want their father back.

I cant sleep

I took all my meds hours ago, yet here I am wide awake. This is bullshit because I am exhausted. I want to sleep, I just cant. I broke down and had a cigarette. So I am pissed off at myself now because I was doing so well. It tasted like crap though so I think I will be alright tomorrow. The vape pen is so much better. and Doesnt give me a headache. Good to know right?

my therapist wanted me to write about what the point of this blog was. Well I am  gonna put it out there and if you guys that are reading this want to read any soecific topic please let me know in the comments.

Basically I am writing this bog to show single moms they aren’t alone. To share my experience as someone with a chronic illness and how I deal with day to day life off of pain medication. I want people to feel like they have someone experiencing something similar and they are not alone in the world. I would also like to maybe make new friends that live similar lives. Topics I will most likely touch on are, things I go through as a single mom of 3 kids with illnesses, mental illness, physical illness, chronic pain, insomnia, love, friendships, addiction and recovery, and family. Sometimes I will share my poetry or a short story. Sometimes I will just bitch and complain.

So there ya have it. I am going to paint my nails as they look like shit hahaha. I hope to hear from you all and I hope everyone gets a good night sleep. Hugs and love to all

Getting Jerzi ready for school

Why is this so hard for me? Its not that shes growing up or Im losing my baby like most moms. For me it is the anxiety of registration, which went horribly wrong today. Getting school supplies. Buying school clothes but staying in dress code and also making sure it is something that Jerzi won’t fight me to put on every day. Its making sure she is on the right bus and gets home safely (the transportation system lost her 3 times last year). Its the stress of knowing that she will be gone 8 hours and my little helper won’t be here with me. Does any one else have anxiety like this with their child? I worry that I have to have that conversation with her teacher and school nurse about her illnesses (mental and physical) will they understand? Will they listen? Will they blow her off when she says her legs hurt and she can’t do what they want her to do in PE. Or her allergies act up and she can’t go out during recess. Will the school help this year when it comes to field trips and money needed for her to participate in things when I can’t afford them? Most parents don’t understand how hard it is to be a low income single mom disabled with 2 children that have their own illnesses and I try to balance it all and be there and involoved as much as possible. What is even worse is when she comes home with that sheet of homework, that I am supposed to her help her get done, and with my brain issues and memory loss, I can’t comprehend the directions to help her. She is so smart and I am extremely thankful because she is reteaching me. I am so proud of my little girl and I know she will ROCK the second grade, but its MOMMY that needs the help and support. My baby girl has got this and has it all under control……. Breathe mom, count to ten, and trust that everything will be ok.

Any advice or words of encouragement are very welcomes. Even your own experiences and fears.

Being a single mom

I’m 21 weeks today. It’s a huge accomplishment as I’m still dealing with preterm labor every day. It’s also really hard, as I am doing it alone. Yes I have the support (for the most part) from my family. My best friend (who is a million miles away in North Dakota) is there for any time I need her. But I’m missing that one piece in my support system. One that I have never really known.

With Jerzi, her father was there, but totally not supportive at all. Only went to one Dr appointment and was there when she was born but not there for me. And then decided after she was born his crs were more important than us. When she was 18 months he decided he didn’t want to be a dad.

With Harli, I found out I was pregnant with her 2 days after leaving my drug addict ex. I chose not to have him around because he became abusive. He has still yet to get clean even after I have given him chance after chance to be in her life.

Now with Daniella, her father is a down right fucking idiot! He used me for my money, cheated on me and told everyone he didn’t want this baby. (He has 2 other kids that he would do any thing to see) He was verbally abusive and a complete narcissist. So I came back home to be with family. It has taken them awhile to come around to the fact that I am having another baby, but I know everything will be ok in my heart, because this is my third time doing this.

It is just the alone feeling that I can’t stand. I’m not worried about caring for her by myself or providing for her. It’s not having that companionship to share this with that person. To experience this all alone in my head. To not have someone hug me when I am having a bad day or to hold my hand through these horrible contractions that are way too early to be here.

I’m sorry for the sappy feel bad for me post this morning but that’s what these are for right? To let out how I feel.

I hope everyone has a great day!

All my love!