Im finally done

I have decided, although it was very difficult, that I am done dealing with the addict in my life. I can’t worry about someone elses sobriety and keep mine at the same time. I refuse to throw almost 5 months down the drain. I refuse to subject my children to this anymore. I don’t care how much it hurts me, I won’t watch it hurt them anymore. Its sad and its 6 years finally ending but it is whats best for my little family. And for me.

For 5 years I have been dealing with the mental abuse. I don’t wish it upon anyone and I hope if someone reading this is going through it, you know that you don’t have to either. No one should have to endure being called names, or being put down. I am worth more than that. It has taken me a long to time to figure that out but I know it now. I have people that love me and support me and that also took time to realize. I do not want my girls to think its ok to be treated like this. What kind of message has all this been sending when it got so bad I couldn’t shelter them from it anymore? I have alot of guilt when it comes to that, and I shouldn’t.

I have guilt for continuing to give chances and pulling my kids back and forth around their dad. it’s not right to do that to them. So my next step is going to court I guess and making sure I have full custody and he can’t see them if he is high. I need to request that the court drug test him and have supervised visitation. Am I wrong for that? I don’t think so

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Day one of no smoking

Holy shit this is hard!!!

So what made me decide to quit? Well a few things. One its another addiction. Two Jerzi was diagnosed with asthma yesterday. And three I just cant afford it.

So I have the nicotine patch, I have my vape and I am going head strong against this. I have been clean 4 months and 18 days from prescription pain meds. So now I will add cigarettes to that. I know I can do it. Especially because I am not just doing it for me but for my childrens health as well. It scared the crap out of me when Jerzi failed the breathing test at the doctors office yesterday. So I’m going to try to get as healthy as I can get with out hurting myself.

If anyone has any suggestions on how they quit or how to curb the cravings please let me know in the comments

I want to brag a minute…….

Every parent says their kids are the best, that they are the most beautiful, smartest, creative etc. And as much as I think those things about my girls, they have something else that I don’t hear about in a lot of kids.

Jerzi is almost 8 years old. She is going into the second grade and school starts in 2 weeks. Now she is by far from perfect. But she does put all her effort into almost everything she does. Jerzi does battle with EDS, Bi Polar, ADHD, anxiety, and PTSD. She also has many allergies. I hate that I passed all this down to her, but she doesn’t let it stop her from doing anything. My daughter has been through and witnessed a lot of trauma and abuse in her short life. She has grown up without a father, and has had people important in her life abandon her. I wish I could take all that pain away from her, that I know she hides but I can see it in her eyes.

But she has the biggest heart I have ever seen in a child. She asked me last week (for the first time ever) where her father is and how come he doesn’t want to be in her life. At first I was frozen and didn’t know what to say. But after a second of thinking and remembering my mother bashing my father and telling me things I shouldn’t have known about at that young age, I decided to tell her the truth. I told her that HE wasn’t ready to be a daddy. And that it was ok, because she has always had me. I also told her that she has her MOMO, POPO, Papa, Grandma, Uncle, Her auntie Alex and Uncle Warren, and her sister (and soon to be other sister) that love her more than anything in the world. I told her that I love her twice as much as most mommys because I am her mommy and her daddy. With out hesitation she gave me the biggest hug and kiss and thanked me. At that moment I had never been more proud of my little girl.

Today she asked me how many days until school starts. I told her and asked her if she was excited. Her answer was yes, but she had this sad look on her face. I asked what was wrong. She told me that she loves school and is super excited, but worried about me and Harli. Why ? I asked. She said because there is no one here to take care of you mom when I’m gone and Harli will be lonely and miss me. ( Now understand please that she helps me tremendously with Harli, but she doesn’t take care of me per se. She will ask if I need anything or keep Harli out of our room if I am sleeping.) I gave her a big hug and told her that I will be fine and Harli will get used to her going to school again.

It is sad that she is worried about me. She shouldn’t have to be. But my daughter does think of everyone before herself. She is just like me when it comes to that. She cares about everyone’s feelings and how they are doing and hate seeing me or her sister sick or in pain.

Any ways the point of this post was that as much as I am the normal mom that brags about how pretty my kids are and how smart they are, and this and that. I wanted everyone to know just how caring and loving my baby girl is in a way that not even most adults are.

Is there something you notice and are proud of your children for that the average parent doesn’t talk about? Please share in the comments as I would love to read it.

All my love