Im finally done

I have decided, although it was very difficult, that I am done dealing with the addict in my life. I can’t worry about someone elses sobriety and keep mine at the same time. I refuse to throw almost 5 months down the drain. I refuse to subject my children to this anymore. I don’t care how much it hurts me, I won’t watch it hurt them anymore. Its sad and its 6 years finally ending but it is whats best for my little family. And for me.

For 5 years I have been dealing with the mental abuse. I don’t wish it upon anyone and I hope if someone reading this is going through it, you know that you don’t have to either. No one should have to endure being called names, or being put down. I am worth more than that. It has taken me a long to time to figure that out but I know it now. I have people that love me and support me and that also took time to realize. I do not want my girls to think its ok to be treated like this. What kind of message has all this been sending when it got so bad I couldn’t shelter them from it anymore? I have alot of guilt when it comes to that, and I shouldn’t.

I have guilt for continuing to give chances and pulling my kids back and forth around their dad. it’s not right to do that to them. So my next step is going to court I guess and making sure I have full custody and he can’t see them if he is high. I need to request that the court drug test him and have supervised visitation. Am I wrong for that? I don’t think so


PTSD kinda night

So my child’s father showed up last night to one of my meetings. Not only was he angry as hell but he was HIGH! Not okay! I tried telling him to leave but instead he stated yelling at me and damn near hit me. luckily there were many people there willing to help me. He threatened to slash my tires so we moved my car to a better lit area. When doing so he kicked my door twice leaving a dent in it. Scared the shit out of me. He left after that but the cops were still called.

I love the people so much that were there for me last night. They were quick to jump in when I was in trouble and show me how the fellowship really works. Although I was very shaken up and still am, I did not use or smoke a cigarette so I’m super proud of myself and the way I handled it.

I had a rough night even after getting home though. Nightmares, flash backs, paranoia. No fun at all and im exhausted now. I need to go file a restraining order. Thats the only way this is going to stop I know it. But in the mean time, how do I help myself?


It’s really hard when 2 addicts love each other and try to be together. Normally one relapses and causes the other to relapse as well and the cycle continues. BUT not in my story.

The man I love is addicted to Meth. He is also addicted to opioids. I myself am addicted to opioids. He has relapsed more times then I can count and is currently in a relapse. When he relapses he gets paranoid. which causes him to question me and my every move. Which causes a huge fight and him accusing me of doing everything under the sun. Including cheating on him and bugging his phone.

We were doing really well for a couple of weeks. no fighting. getting along. spending time together. enjoying each other and our kids. And then BAM!!! The cycle starts. But I refuse to relapse. I am almost 5 months clean. I also am cigarette free for 4 days. I am so proud of myself and my family. I have started to fix my life. I am a better mother, I spend time with my girls and don’t isolate myself any more. I am more patient. I am less stressed. I love being sober. I love the program and I have made some amazing friends. Why would I throw that all away? I won’t and that’s the point. I will not use no matter what!!!!

I just wish he felt the same way. I want my family back so bad it kills me and my kids want their father back.


So my Boy friend is also the father of my 5-year-old. He is also an addict. we have been together off and on for 6 years. I love him more than anything on this earth and we have been through so much. BUT…… we have an unhealthy cycle. It starts with something making him questioning me, him not believing my answer, continuing to question and accuse me, and then its a full-blown fight.

Last night it was so stupid, and I admit I over reacted. I called him and apologized for yelling and getting upset. But at the same time he should have stopped questioning me after he got an answer. regardless i still said sorry and thought things would be ok from there. Well they weren’t.

As I posted before, i lost my phone. I have been waiting almost a week not for the replace ment. so im using other people’s phones in the mean time to make phone calls. well everyone went to sleep and I couldn’t call my boyfriend back before bed.I ended up going to sleep around 10pm. I was up at 5am to these messages and missed calls on my Facebook accusing me of cheating now. Like seriously? WTF? Here we go again with this cycle. Is he just being controlling or did he relapse? I honestly don’t know but I know that I will not stand for this behavior any longer. I don’t deserve it. So either he needs to change or he needs to hit the pavement.

I cant sleep

I took all my meds hours ago, yet here I am wide awake. This is bullshit because I am exhausted. I want to sleep, I just cant. I broke down and had a cigarette. So I am pissed off at myself now because I was doing so well. It tasted like crap though so I think I will be alright tomorrow. The vape pen is so much better. and Doesnt give me a headache. Good to know right?

my therapist wanted me to write about what the point of this blog was. Well I am  gonna put it out there and if you guys that are reading this want to read any soecific topic please let me know in the comments.

Basically I am writing this bog to show single moms they aren’t alone. To share my experience as someone with a chronic illness and how I deal with day to day life off of pain medication. I want people to feel like they have someone experiencing something similar and they are not alone in the world. I would also like to maybe make new friends that live similar lives. Topics I will most likely touch on are, things I go through as a single mom of 3 kids with illnesses, mental illness, physical illness, chronic pain, insomnia, love, friendships, addiction and recovery, and family. Sometimes I will share my poetry or a short story. Sometimes I will just bitch and complain.

So there ya have it. I am going to paint my nails as they look like shit hahaha. I hope to hear from you all and I hope everyone gets a good night sleep. Hugs and love to all

Day one of no smoking

Holy shit this is hard!!!

So what made me decide to quit? Well a few things. One its another addiction. Two Jerzi was diagnosed with asthma yesterday. And three I just cant afford it.

So I have the nicotine patch, I have my vape and I am going head strong against this. I have been clean 4 months and 18 days from prescription pain meds. So now I will add cigarettes to that. I know I can do it. Especially because I am not just doing it for me but for my childrens health as well. It scared the crap out of me when Jerzi failed the breathing test at the doctors office yesterday. So I’m going to try to get as healthy as I can get with out hurting myself.

If anyone has any suggestions on how they quit or how to curb the cravings please let me know in the comments

Joys of mommyhood

So at 130am Harli my 5 yr old, woke me up covered in vomit. Great huh? So after cleaning her up and getting her motrin and back to bed. I was now awake all night.its now 835am and the baby is about to be up and I’m exhausted!

But I wouldn’t change being a mommy for anything in the world. No matter how disgusting it is haha. Good morning everyone! I hope you all have a wonderful day!

I’m back

Its been a long time since I have posted anything. So since my therapist suggested I get back to writing I figured why not do it here so others that relate won’t feel so alone. 

I recently spent 6 days in the psych ward (no I’m not crazy….well maybe a little) due to not sleeping for 5 days and basically having a breakdown. My meds were adjusted and I’m feeling much better but I am still having anxiety issues. But I’m working on it.

I have 4 months 13 days sober today. So no pain meds. I use medical marijuana instead. And I have to tell you I feel like a completely different person. I’m not lying in bed all day or yelling at the kids to leave me alone. I love going to meetings. I feel so loved and like I finally belong somewhere. Maybe that’s odd, I dont know. But it works for me and I hope I continue on this path of recovery. My mom is also sober and I’m extremely proud of her. Its making our relationship stronger and we really haven’t fought, which is very odd for us lol. 

I will write more soon but in the mean time please feel free to comment or leave any advice on how you handle anxiety. Much love to you all!

Not a great day…..but I’m still alive


I didn’t sleep well last night. Like most nights. Between contractions, pain, and my anxiety it was damn near impossible. I guess this non stop rain isn’t helping at all. I love the sound and smell of rain, but the humidity and pressure just kills my body. Is anyone else like that? What do you do to feel better when the rain causes you pain? I have tried ice, heat, pillows, double pain meds……. gggrrrr I am frustrated.

Days like this when the pain takes over, and I can’t think of anything else, are the days I feel more alone than ever. I’m sure a lot of people feel that way too. Most people don’t understand the pain someone with Ehlers-Danlos deal with. It’s like having the flu, arthritis, broken bones, and being ran over by an 18 wheeler times.

I’m going back to bed…… btw any one recommend any good movies or tv show series I can watch on Netflix. I’ve seen most of the “popular” ones. Thanks guys

All my love!

Bed Rest

Hi everyone. My name is Brandi. I have never done a blog before, but decided to start one with the help of a friend since I am on bed rest due to complications with the pregnancy of my third little girl. I am currently 20 weeks along and in preterm labor.Yay! Not really, its horrible having contractions all the time, and being on meds that don’t take them away, and also being stuck in bed, You can only watch so much TV ya know.

Im also starting this as I have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (vascular and hypermobility type) Chiari Malformation type 1, POTS, Cervical Cranial Instability, Fibromyalgia, Neuropothy, Bi Polar, Anxiety, PTSD, and other numerous health issues. Both my girls have EDS as well, and we are awaiting other diagnoses. I want to be able to share my experiences, ask questions to others, and answer other people’s questions and concerns. So feel free to comment on any post any time.

Please forgive me if this sometimes becomes a poor me post or I am just down, and seem to ask a lot of questions. Chronic illness can do that to you as most of you know.

I will also be writing about what it is like to be a single mother of 3 children, living off of disability, and being sick. I hope some people follow my blog, as I feel it could be helpful for me and you to hear each others experiences and answer any questions to the best of our knowledge.

I hope every one has a great day!

Your Zebra Sister