Im finally done

I have decided, although it was very difficult, that I am done dealing with the addict in my life. I can’t worry about someone elses sobriety and keep mine at the same time. I refuse to throw almost 5 months down the drain. I refuse to subject my children to this anymore. I don’t care how much it hurts me, I won’t watch it hurt them anymore. Its sad and its 6 years finally ending but it is whats best for my little family. And for me.

For 5 years I have been dealing with the mental abuse. I don’t wish it upon anyone and I hope if someone reading this is going through it, you know that you don’t have to either. No one should have to endure being called names, or being put down. I am worth more than that. It has taken me a long to time to figure that out but I know it now. I have people that love me and support me and that also took time to realize. I do not want my girls to think its ok to be treated like this. What kind of message has all this been sending when it got so bad I couldn’t shelter them from it anymore? I have alot of guilt when it comes to that, and I shouldn’t.

I have guilt for continuing to give chances and pulling my kids back and forth around their dad. it’s not right to do that to them. So my next step is going to court I guess and making sure I have full custody and he can’t see them if he is high. I need to request that the court drug test him and have supervised visitation. Am I wrong for that? I don’t think so

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PTSD kinda night

So my child’s father showed up last night to one of my meetings. Not only was he angry as hell but he was HIGH! Not okay! I tried telling him to leave but instead he stated yelling at me and damn near hit me. luckily there were many people there willing to help me. He threatened to slash my tires so we moved my car to a better lit area. When doing so he kicked my door twice leaving a dent in it. Scared the shit out of me. He left after that but the cops were still called.

I love the people so much that were there for me last night. They were quick to jump in when I was in trouble and show me how the fellowship really works. Although I was very shaken up and still am, I did not use or smoke a cigarette so I’m super proud of myself and the way I handled it.

I had a rough night even after getting home though. Nightmares, flash backs, paranoia. No fun at all and im exhausted now. I need to go file a restraining order. Thats the only way this is going to stop I know it. But in the mean time, how do I help myself?

…….on a bad day

So last night I didn’t sleep well, due to coughing and pain. Plus being very uncomfortable pregnant. So I knew today would be a bad day.

Woke up at 8:30am to my kids driving me nuts…… being loud and obnoxious as usual. I took all my meds and went back to sleep.

Of course the weather was shit today, rain, thunder, lightening and a TON of humidity. Making it impossible to move. All my joints feel swollen. My muscles hurt. My head feels like it is going to explode from the presure and my eyes hurt to even keep them open. My right hip dislocated in my sleep and I think I got it back in but not the right way or  I tore something, Im not sure. But it hurts like hell!

The z-pack the OB gave me doesnt seem to be doing anything and this cough seems to be getting worse. I got tylonal cough and cold since that seems to be the only over the counter stuff I am allowed to take. I don’t know what the hell I have but between my body trying to kill me, this sickness, and being pregnant I feel like I am going to die.

I ended up going back to sleep around 4ish and woke up at 7. Fed the kids. Got them ready for bed, and of course one sleeps no problem the other is wide awake. Can’t get her to be quiet for 2 mins. Ugh and everything, I mean everything, is getting on my nerves.

I am in soooo much pain, I just want to sleep, and I just want to feel good. But I am sure none of that is going to happen tonight. Hopefully between the cold meds and vicks I can keep the cough under control which is making me hurt worse every time.

Hopes for a better day tomorrow. Sorry for being so negative today.

All my love