Im finally done

I have decided, although it was very difficult, that I am done dealing with the addict in my life. I can’t worry about someone elses sobriety and keep mine at the same time. I refuse to throw almost 5 months down the drain. I refuse to subject my children to this anymore. I don’t care how much it hurts me, I won’t watch it hurt them anymore. Its sad and its 6 years finally ending but it is whats best for my little family. And for me.

For 5 years I have been dealing with the mental abuse. I don’t wish it upon anyone and I hope if someone reading this is going through it, you know that you don’t have to either. No one should have to endure being called names, or being put down. I am worth more than that. It has taken me a long to time to figure that out but I know it now. I have people that love me and support me and that also took time to realize. I do not want my girls to think its ok to be treated like this. What kind of message has all this been sending when it got so bad I couldn’t shelter them from it anymore? I have alot of guilt when it comes to that, and I shouldn’t.

I have guilt for continuing to give chances and pulling my kids back and forth around their dad. it’s not right to do that to them. So my next step is going to court I guess and making sure I have full custody and he can’t see them if he is high. I need to request that the court drug test him and have supervised visitation. Am I wrong for that? I don’t think so

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Addiction+Love=Disaster

It’s really hard when 2 addicts love each other and try to be together. Normally one relapses and causes the other to relapse as well and the cycle continues. BUT not in my story.

The man I love is addicted to Meth. He is also addicted to opioids. I myself am addicted to opioids. He has relapsed more times then I can count and is currently in a relapse. When he relapses he gets paranoid. which causes him to question me and my every move. Which causes a huge fight and him accusing me of doing everything under the sun. Including cheating on him and bugging his phone.

We were doing really well for a couple of weeks. no fighting. getting along. spending time together. enjoying each other and our kids. And then BAM!!! The cycle starts. But I refuse to relapse. I am almost 5 months clean. I also am cigarette free for 4 days. I am so proud of myself and my family. I have started to fix my life. I am a better mother, I spend time with my girls and don’t isolate myself any more. I am more patient. I am less stressed. I love being sober. I love the program and I have made some amazing friends. Why would I throw that all away? I won’t and that’s the point. I will not use no matter what!!!!

I just wish he felt the same way. I want my family back so bad it kills me and my kids want their father back.

Frusterated

So my Boy friend is also the father of my 5-year-old. He is also an addict. we have been together off and on for 6 years. I love him more than anything on this earth and we have been through so much. BUT…… we have an unhealthy cycle. It starts with something making him questioning me, him not believing my answer, continuing to question and accuse me, and then its a full-blown fight.

Last night it was so stupid, and I admit I over reacted. I called him and apologized for yelling and getting upset. But at the same time he should have stopped questioning me after he got an answer. regardless i still said sorry and thought things would be ok from there. Well they weren’t.

As I posted before, i lost my phone. I have been waiting almost a week not for the replace ment. so im using other people’s phones in the mean time to make phone calls. well everyone went to sleep and I couldn’t call my boyfriend back before bed.I ended up going to sleep around 10pm. I was up at 5am to these messages and missed calls on my Facebook accusing me of cheating now. Like seriously? WTF? Here we go again with this cycle. Is he just being controlling or did he relapse? I honestly don’t know but I know that I will not stand for this behavior any longer. I don’t deserve it. So either he needs to change or he needs to hit the pavement.

Body Image

So tonights topic is body image and the difference between how society expects woman to look and how I feel (and I’m sure most of you agree)/ Also since my almost 8 year old daughter is going through the early stages of puberty I think this is a very important topic.

Everywhere in the world we see magazines and models and celebrities without an ounce of fat, no acne, stretch marks, cellulite, perfect hair, etc. Alot of people don’t realize that it is not real. The human body no matter who you are will eventually age, your skin will change and we all know it sucks. But what isn’t fair is that my daughter thinks that her little pudge on her belly makes her fat. She is 4″2′ and 57 lbs. Shes beautiful and proportionate for her body type. she has the typical “baby fat” that every child has. Yet why is she ashamed and self conscious of it?

Because the media tells her she shouldn’t look that way! Even on the disney channel you see these skinny beautiful girls, with tons of friends and attentions. And then there is the one curvier girl that they always make the “funny one” who tells all the jokes but doesn’t get the same attention. So how is she supposed to feel? Not normal, not pretty, because the kids on tv tell her shes fat. Its absolute bullshit.

The way I see it, is that every woman, no matter shape or size is beautiful. I for one have never been the “skinny girl”. I was curvy yet proportionate. After having my oldest daughter, I gained 90 lbs with her and was covered in stretch marks with a c-section scar that I knew I would have forever. At first I was really depressed and felt horrible about myself, but I eventually learned that I was still the same person. And I had a beautiful baby girl to show for the changes in my body. I lost most of the weight and felt great, but then got pregnant with my second daughter. I gained 11 lbs with her and not a single stretch mark. It made me laugh how different my body still was after her c-section, because it was totally something different than the first time. But this time I knew I was BEAUTIFUL!

Now pregnant with my third little girl, and I actually lost 30 lbs in the first trimester and only gained 10 back so far, I think I look amazing. I don’t care if my body is covered head to toe in stretch marks, or if my c-section scar gets bigger and longer. These are my battle scars of motherhood and I cherish every one of them.

I hope that I can teach my daughter, that its the inside that counts, but also as long as you feel beautiful, then it doesn’t matter what the rest of the world thinks. ( It also helps that her mama tells her every day hehe)

Please remember that no matter your shape, size, skin color, hair, scars, curves, skinniness, breast size, or any part of your body you are unsure of, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!

All my love

Sensitive Topics

How is everyone doing today? Good I hope. I have a topic that is controvertial and honestly if you don’t agree I would appreciate if you don’t comment anything hateful but I would appreciate your input as well.

As every one knows, I am currently pregnant, and I also have two other little girls. What you don’t know is that I am not STRAIGHT. Let me tell you a story about me.

When I was 10 years old I noticed that I was not only attracted to boys but girls as well. I found females to be more friendly, open, sensitive, and so beautiful. I had my first sexual experience with a girl at 11 yrs old (not that we really knew what we were doing at that age lol) and all I had done with a boy was kiss. I didn’t really know what gay, or bi, or straight was. I just knew how I FELT.

Through out middle school I had gfs and bfs, and eventually told my mom. Which she was totally cool with, especially since my uncle was gay as well. So I wasn’t shunned or put down for the way I felt. But I never truly felt that the term “bisexual” fit me. At the time though that was all there was to describe how I felt so I rolled with it.

In high school, I met the true love of my life, I would have done anything for this girl. Our problem was she wasn’t out. So we had to hide our relationship. I loved her so much, that I didn’t care. As time went on of course, it became harder and harder for me to hide our relationship. We ended up breaking up and getting back together numerous time. She is now married with 2 kids and I’m happy for her, but if she called me today I would drop everything and be with her.

Any ways the point of this post was to explain what my sexuality is. In todays world I am considered “Omnisexual” It basically mean that I love every one. I do not have a specific sexual preference, my attractivness to a person is based on personality not their sexual organs. Its hard for people to understand. But that is how I am.

I get this questions of I get a lot are ” How are you pregnant if your attracted to girls?” If you like men why do you date females? ” ” Would you date some one trangender?” (Yes I have) It is hard sometimes with the discrimination I get, or the confusion of my family and friends, but at the end of the day, I know who I am. And I know that it doesn’t matter to me what sex you are, I still will show you the same repect and love no matter what.