Im finally done

I have decided, although it was very difficult, that I am done dealing with the addict in my life. I can’t worry about someone elses sobriety and keep mine at the same time. I refuse to throw almost 5 months down the drain. I refuse to subject my children to this anymore. I don’t care how much it hurts me, I won’t watch it hurt them anymore. Its sad and its 6 years finally ending but it is whats best for my little family. And for me.

For 5 years I have been dealing with the mental abuse. I don’t wish it upon anyone and I hope if someone reading this is going through it, you know that you don’t have to either. No one should have to endure being called names, or being put down. I am worth more than that. It has taken me a long to time to figure that out but I know it now. I have people that love me and support me and that also took time to realize. I do not want my girls to think its ok to be treated like this. What kind of message has all this been sending when it got so bad I couldn’t shelter them from it anymore? I have alot of guilt when it comes to that, and I shouldn’t.

I have guilt for continuing to give chances and pulling my kids back and forth around their dad. it’s not right to do that to them. So my next step is going to court I guess and making sure I have full custody and he can’t see them if he is high. I need to request that the court drug test him and have supervised visitation. Am I wrong for that? I don’t think so

PTSD kinda night

So my child’s father showed up last night to one of my meetings. Not only was he angry as hell but he was HIGH! Not okay! I tried telling him to leave but instead he stated yelling at me and damn near hit me. luckily there were many people there willing to help me. He threatened to slash my tires so we moved my car to a better lit area. When doing so he kicked my door twice leaving a dent in it. Scared the shit out of me. He left after that but the cops were still called.

I love the people so much that were there for me last night. They were quick to jump in when I was in trouble and show me how the fellowship really works. Although I was very shaken up and still am, I did not use or smoke a cigarette so I’m super proud of myself and the way I handled it.

I had a rough night even after getting home though. Nightmares, flash backs, paranoia. No fun at all and im exhausted now. I need to go file a restraining order. Thats the only way this is going to stop I know it. But in the mean time, how do I help myself?

Addiction+Love=Disaster

It’s really hard when 2 addicts love each other and try to be together. Normally one relapses and causes the other to relapse as well and the cycle continues. BUT not in my story.

The man I love is addicted to Meth. He is also addicted to opioids. I myself am addicted to opioids. He has relapsed more times then I can count and is currently in a relapse. When he relapses he gets paranoid. which causes him to question me and my every move. Which causes a huge fight and him accusing me of doing everything under the sun. Including cheating on him and bugging his phone.

We were doing really well for a couple of weeks. no fighting. getting along. spending time together. enjoying each other and our kids. And then BAM!!! The cycle starts. But I refuse to relapse. I am almost 5 months clean. I also am cigarette free for 4 days. I am so proud of myself and my family. I have started to fix my life. I am a better mother, I spend time with my girls and don’t isolate myself any more. I am more patient. I am less stressed. I love being sober. I love the program and I have made some amazing friends. Why would I throw that all away? I won’t and that’s the point. I will not use no matter what!!!!

I just wish he felt the same way. I want my family back so bad it kills me and my kids want their father back.

Frusterated

So my Boy friend is also the father of my 5-year-old. He is also an addict. we have been together off and on for 6 years. I love him more than anything on this earth and we have been through so much. BUT…… we have an unhealthy cycle. It starts with something making him questioning me, him not believing my answer, continuing to question and accuse me, and then its a full-blown fight.

Last night it was so stupid, and I admit I over reacted. I called him and apologized for yelling and getting upset. But at the same time he should have stopped questioning me after he got an answer. regardless i still said sorry and thought things would be ok from there. Well they weren’t.

As I posted before, i lost my phone. I have been waiting almost a week not for the replace ment. so im using other people’s phones in the mean time to make phone calls. well everyone went to sleep and I couldn’t call my boyfriend back before bed.I ended up going to sleep around 10pm. I was up at 5am to these messages and missed calls on my Facebook accusing me of cheating now. Like seriously? WTF? Here we go again with this cycle. Is he just being controlling or did he relapse? I honestly don’t know but I know that I will not stand for this behavior any longer. I don’t deserve it. So either he needs to change or he needs to hit the pavement.

I cant sleep

I took all my meds hours ago, yet here I am wide awake. This is bullshit because I am exhausted. I want to sleep, I just cant. I broke down and had a cigarette. So I am pissed off at myself now because I was doing so well. It tasted like crap though so I think I will be alright tomorrow. The vape pen is so much better. and Doesnt give me a headache. Good to know right?

my therapist wanted me to write about what the point of this blog was. Well I am  gonna put it out there and if you guys that are reading this want to read any soecific topic please let me know in the comments.

Basically I am writing this bog to show single moms they aren’t alone. To share my experience as someone with a chronic illness and how I deal with day to day life off of pain medication. I want people to feel like they have someone experiencing something similar and they are not alone in the world. I would also like to maybe make new friends that live similar lives. Topics I will most likely touch on are, things I go through as a single mom of 3 kids with illnesses, mental illness, physical illness, chronic pain, insomnia, love, friendships, addiction and recovery, and family. Sometimes I will share my poetry or a short story. Sometimes I will just bitch and complain.

So there ya have it. I am going to paint my nails as they look like shit hahaha. I hope to hear from you all and I hope everyone gets a good night sleep. Hugs and love to all

Body Image

So tonights topic is body image and the difference between how society expects woman to look and how I feel (and I’m sure most of you agree)/ Also since my almost 8 year old daughter is going through the early stages of puberty I think this is a very important topic.

Everywhere in the world we see magazines and models and celebrities without an ounce of fat, no acne, stretch marks, cellulite, perfect hair, etc. Alot of people don’t realize that it is not real. The human body no matter who you are will eventually age, your skin will change and we all know it sucks. But what isn’t fair is that my daughter thinks that her little pudge on her belly makes her fat. She is 4″2′ and 57 lbs. Shes beautiful and proportionate for her body type. she has the typical “baby fat” that every child has. Yet why is she ashamed and self conscious of it?

Because the media tells her she shouldn’t look that way! Even on the disney channel you see these skinny beautiful girls, with tons of friends and attentions. And then there is the one curvier girl that they always make the “funny one” who tells all the jokes but doesn’t get the same attention. So how is she supposed to feel? Not normal, not pretty, because the kids on tv tell her shes fat. Its absolute bullshit.

The way I see it, is that every woman, no matter shape or size is beautiful. I for one have never been the “skinny girl”. I was curvy yet proportionate. After having my oldest daughter, I gained 90 lbs with her and was covered in stretch marks with a c-section scar that I knew I would have forever. At first I was really depressed and felt horrible about myself, but I eventually learned that I was still the same person. And I had a beautiful baby girl to show for the changes in my body. I lost most of the weight and felt great, but then got pregnant with my second daughter. I gained 11 lbs with her and not a single stretch mark. It made me laugh how different my body still was after her c-section, because it was totally something different than the first time. But this time I knew I was BEAUTIFUL!

Now pregnant with my third little girl, and I actually lost 30 lbs in the first trimester and only gained 10 back so far, I think I look amazing. I don’t care if my body is covered head to toe in stretch marks, or if my c-section scar gets bigger and longer. These are my battle scars of motherhood and I cherish every one of them.

I hope that I can teach my daughter, that its the inside that counts, but also as long as you feel beautiful, then it doesn’t matter what the rest of the world thinks. ( It also helps that her mama tells her every day hehe)

Please remember that no matter your shape, size, skin color, hair, scars, curves, skinniness, breast size, or any part of your body you are unsure of, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!

All my love