Im finally done

I have decided, although it was very difficult, that I am done dealing with the addict in my life. I can’t worry about someone elses sobriety and keep mine at the same time. I refuse to throw almost 5 months down the drain. I refuse to subject my children to this anymore. I don’t care how much it hurts me, I won’t watch it hurt them anymore. Its sad and its 6 years finally ending but it is whats best for my little family. And for me.

For 5 years I have been dealing with the mental abuse. I don’t wish it upon anyone and I hope if someone reading this is going through it, you know that you don’t have to either. No one should have to endure being called names, or being put down. I am worth more than that. It has taken me a long to time to figure that out but I know it now. I have people that love me and support me and that also took time to realize. I do not want my girls to think its ok to be treated like this. What kind of message has all this been sending when it got so bad I couldn’t shelter them from it anymore? I have alot of guilt when it comes to that, and I shouldn’t.

I have guilt for continuing to give chances and pulling my kids back and forth around their dad. it’s not right to do that to them. So my next step is going to court I guess and making sure I have full custody and he can’t see them if he is high. I need to request that the court drug test him and have supervised visitation. Am I wrong for that? I don’t think so

Addiction+Love=Disaster

It’s really hard when 2 addicts love each other and try to be together. Normally one relapses and causes the other to relapse as well and the cycle continues. BUT not in my story.

The man I love is addicted to Meth. He is also addicted to opioids. I myself am addicted to opioids. He has relapsed more times then I can count and is currently in a relapse. When he relapses he gets paranoid. which causes him to question me and my every move. Which causes a huge fight and him accusing me of doing everything under the sun. Including cheating on him and bugging his phone.

We were doing really well for a couple of weeks. no fighting. getting along. spending time together. enjoying each other and our kids. And then BAM!!! The cycle starts. But I refuse to relapse. I am almost 5 months clean. I also am cigarette free for 4 days. I am so proud of myself and my family. I have started to fix my life. I am a better mother, I spend time with my girls and don’t isolate myself any more. I am more patient. I am less stressed. I love being sober. I love the program and I have made some amazing friends. Why would I throw that all away? I won’t and that’s the point. I will not use no matter what!!!!

I just wish he felt the same way. I want my family back so bad it kills me and my kids want their father back.

Frusterated

So my Boy friend is also the father of my 5-year-old. He is also an addict. we have been together off and on for 6 years. I love him more than anything on this earth and we have been through so much. BUT…… we have an unhealthy cycle. It starts with something making him questioning me, him not believing my answer, continuing to question and accuse me, and then its a full-blown fight.

Last night it was so stupid, and I admit I over reacted. I called him and apologized for yelling and getting upset. But at the same time he should have stopped questioning me after he got an answer. regardless i still said sorry and thought things would be ok from there. Well they weren’t.

As I posted before, i lost my phone. I have been waiting almost a week not for the replace ment. so im using other people’s phones in the mean time to make phone calls. well everyone went to sleep and I couldn’t call my boyfriend back before bed.I ended up going to sleep around 10pm. I was up at 5am to these messages and missed calls on my Facebook accusing me of cheating now. Like seriously? WTF? Here we go again with this cycle. Is he just being controlling or did he relapse? I honestly don’t know but I know that I will not stand for this behavior any longer. I don’t deserve it. So either he needs to change or he needs to hit the pavement.

I cant sleep

I took all my meds hours ago, yet here I am wide awake. This is bullshit because I am exhausted. I want to sleep, I just cant. I broke down and had a cigarette. So I am pissed off at myself now because I was doing so well. It tasted like crap though so I think I will be alright tomorrow. The vape pen is so much better. and Doesnt give me a headache. Good to know right?

my therapist wanted me to write about what the point of this blog was. Well I am  gonna put it out there and if you guys that are reading this want to read any soecific topic please let me know in the comments.

Basically I am writing this bog to show single moms they aren’t alone. To share my experience as someone with a chronic illness and how I deal with day to day life off of pain medication. I want people to feel like they have someone experiencing something similar and they are not alone in the world. I would also like to maybe make new friends that live similar lives. Topics I will most likely touch on are, things I go through as a single mom of 3 kids with illnesses, mental illness, physical illness, chronic pain, insomnia, love, friendships, addiction and recovery, and family. Sometimes I will share my poetry or a short story. Sometimes I will just bitch and complain.

So there ya have it. I am going to paint my nails as they look like shit hahaha. I hope to hear from you all and I hope everyone gets a good night sleep. Hugs and love to all

I want to brag a minute…….

Every parent says their kids are the best, that they are the most beautiful, smartest, creative etc. And as much as I think those things about my girls, they have something else that I don’t hear about in a lot of kids.

Jerzi is almost 8 years old. She is going into the second grade and school starts in 2 weeks. Now she is by far from perfect. But she does put all her effort into almost everything she does. Jerzi does battle with EDS, Bi Polar, ADHD, anxiety, and PTSD. She also has many allergies. I hate that I passed all this down to her, but she doesn’t let it stop her from doing anything. My daughter has been through and witnessed a lot of trauma and abuse in her short life. She has grown up without a father, and has had people important in her life abandon her. I wish I could take all that pain away from her, that I know she hides but I can see it in her eyes.

But she has the biggest heart I have ever seen in a child. She asked me last week (for the first time ever) where her father is and how come he doesn’t want to be in her life. At first I was frozen and didn’t know what to say. But after a second of thinking and remembering my mother bashing my father and telling me things I shouldn’t have known about at that young age, I decided to tell her the truth. I told her that HE wasn’t ready to be a daddy. And that it was ok, because she has always had me. I also told her that she has her MOMO, POPO, Papa, Grandma, Uncle, Her auntie Alex and Uncle Warren, and her sister (and soon to be other sister) that love her more than anything in the world. I told her that I love her twice as much as most mommys because I am her mommy and her daddy. With out hesitation she gave me the biggest hug and kiss and thanked me. At that moment I had never been more proud of my little girl.

Today she asked me how many days until school starts. I told her and asked her if she was excited. Her answer was yes, but she had this sad look on her face. I asked what was wrong. She told me that she loves school and is super excited, but worried about me and Harli. Why ? I asked. She said because there is no one here to take care of you mom when I’m gone and Harli will be lonely and miss me. ( Now understand please that she helps me tremendously with Harli, but she doesn’t take care of me per se. She will ask if I need anything or keep Harli out of our room if I am sleeping.) I gave her a big hug and told her that I will be fine and Harli will get used to her going to school again.

It is sad that she is worried about me. She shouldn’t have to be. But my daughter does think of everyone before herself. She is just like me when it comes to that. She cares about everyone’s feelings and how they are doing and hate seeing me or her sister sick or in pain.

Any ways the point of this post was that as much as I am the normal mom that brags about how pretty my kids are and how smart they are, and this and that. I wanted everyone to know just how caring and loving my baby girl is in a way that not even most adults are.

Is there something you notice and are proud of your children for that the average parent doesn’t talk about? Please share in the comments as I would love to read it.

All my love

Sensitive Topics

How is everyone doing today? Good I hope. I have a topic that is controvertial and honestly if you don’t agree I would appreciate if you don’t comment anything hateful but I would appreciate your input as well.

As every one knows, I am currently pregnant, and I also have two other little girls. What you don’t know is that I am not STRAIGHT. Let me tell you a story about me.

When I was 10 years old I noticed that I was not only attracted to boys but girls as well. I found females to be more friendly, open, sensitive, and so beautiful. I had my first sexual experience with a girl at 11 yrs old (not that we really knew what we were doing at that age lol) and all I had done with a boy was kiss. I didn’t really know what gay, or bi, or straight was. I just knew how I FELT.

Through out middle school I had gfs and bfs, and eventually told my mom. Which she was totally cool with, especially since my uncle was gay as well. So I wasn’t shunned or put down for the way I felt. But I never truly felt that the term “bisexual” fit me. At the time though that was all there was to describe how I felt so I rolled with it.

In high school, I met the true love of my life, I would have done anything for this girl. Our problem was she wasn’t out. So we had to hide our relationship. I loved her so much, that I didn’t care. As time went on of course, it became harder and harder for me to hide our relationship. We ended up breaking up and getting back together numerous time. She is now married with 2 kids and I’m happy for her, but if she called me today I would drop everything and be with her.

Any ways the point of this post was to explain what my sexuality is. In todays world I am considered “Omnisexual” It basically mean that I love every one. I do not have a specific sexual preference, my attractivness to a person is based on personality not their sexual organs. Its hard for people to understand. But that is how I am.

I get this questions of I get a lot are ” How are you pregnant if your attracted to girls?” If you like men why do you date females? ” ” Would you date some one trangender?” (Yes I have) It is hard sometimes with the discrimination I get, or the confusion of my family and friends, but at the end of the day, I know who I am. And I know that it doesn’t matter to me what sex you are, I still will show you the same repect and love no matter what.